No Expectations

No expectations means that whatever it is, it’s wide open.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do anything.  It doesn’t t mean I want to do everything.  It means I am open and listening to what I need to do.  I wake up and decide.  It does not mean making plans.  Plans are expectations. …

I Want To Snap

My nerves are on the brink of cracking.  I wish they would crack already, so I can be done with it.  The stress and anxiety of wondering whether or not I am going crazy is exhausting.  Fucking snap or not!!!  This fucking middle ground is intolerable. The comfort of a padded room. My choices, my…

I Can’t Write

I have been trying for days and I can’t write.  This blog has been an outlet, sometimes the only outlet, for me to get the painful screaming thoughts out of my head, if even for a moment.  I only write when I need to.  When I feel that the pain, grief, doubt, despair, fear is…

No Matter What

It doesn’t matter what I think, what I say, what I do, what I hope, what I fear, what I dream, what I try, what I wish, what I practice, what I avoid, what I fake, she is still gone.  No matter how you look at the story, it still has the chapter where my…

More Than I Can Chew

I am a teacher, but I can no longer teach.  When I lost my daughter, I lost the part of myself that made me a good teacher.  I lost a part of my heart.  I abandoned my classroom without a plan for what would come next.  I just knew that I couldn’t do it anymore.…

She Was Here

A year ago, she was still here.  Nothing had happened yet.  We were just happy.  We were excited about the girls’ birthday.  We didn’t know what was coming.  Did I take it all for granted?  A year ago, there was no way to know that a little more than two months from where we were,…