Automatic for the People

I prefer not thinking. I am more comfortable in situations where I don’t have to make decisions, where I can flip on the autopilot. When there is not an automatic setting available, I create one.  I zone out playing a puzzle game on my phone.  I paint a picture.  I watch a bird.  I do…

Worth It

I want to know what happened to my daughter. You can’t pretend you know what happened to my daughter, because I don’t know what happened to my daughter.   Stop pretending you know what happened.  And stop pretending it is ridiculous that I want to find out what happened.  My motivation is not hurt feelings.  It is…

It’s Getting Harder

Sometimes, she almost feels like a dream, like I imagined her, but she was real.  She was here.  She lived.  It has been just over a year since we lost her.  As the one-year mark approached, I felt that something was coming.  I knew something would be different.  I didn’t know what.  The fear of…

I Know It’s Not The Same

A year ago, my baby girl, my Bug passed away.  The pain of the loss is so raw, so incomprehensible.  Time will do nothing to change that.  The forever impact of losing her is obvious to everyone.  Things are not the same.  The world is not the same.  I am not the same.  Everything is…

Surrender

I can’t do this.  It floats through my mind like a cloud, like a wish.  I don’t know how to live a life without my sweet little Bug.  Living without her is more pain than I can take.  It rips my hearts to shreds.  It makes me feel worthless, hopeless, lost.  It forces me to be robotic, distracted…

Like It’s Happening Again

As the first anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches, I can see it getting darker.  The fog is coming in.  I feel lost.  I’m confused and angry.  I hurt deep inside.  I can’t focus.  I feel like I am being ripped apart.  I’m scared. On October 26th, the countdown will start.  That’s the day the…