Like It’s Happening Again

As the first anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches, I can see it getting darker.  The fog is coming in.  I feel lost.  I’m confused and angry.  I hurt deep inside.  I can’t focus.  I feel like I am being ripped apart.  I’m scared. On October 26th, the countdown will start.  That’s the day the…

No Expectations

No expectations means that whatever it is, it’s wide open.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do anything.  It doesn’t t mean I want to do everything.  It means I am open and listening to what I need to do.  I wake up and decide.  It does not mean making plans.  Plans are expectations. …

I Want To Snap

My nerves are on the brink of cracking.  I wish they would crack already, so I can be done with it.  The stress and anxiety of wondering whether or not I am going crazy is exhausting.  Fucking snap or not!!!  This fucking middle ground is intolerable. The comfort of a padded room. My choices, my…

No Matter What

It doesn’t matter what I think, what I say, what I do, what I hope, what I fear, what I dream, what I try, what I wish, what I practice, what I avoid, what I fake, she is still gone.  No matter how you look at the story, it still has the chapter where my…

More Than I Can Chew

I am a teacher, but I can no longer teach.  When I lost my daughter, I lost the part of myself that made me a good teacher.  I lost a part of my heart.  I abandoned my classroom without a plan for what would come next.  I just knew that I couldn’t do it anymore.…