So I Will

I could cry until my eyes turn to dust.   I could scream until my voice turns to fire.   I could beat my fists against the wall until they bleed.   None of it would change anything.   My daughter would still be dead.   I could ache over how unfair this is for…

I Dreamed a Dream

For the first time since I lost my sweet little baby girl, she came to see me in my dreams. The dream: I am laying in bed.  My eyes are closed.  I am at that place between sleep and awake.  My eyes are comfortably closed.  I can sense that the sun is up.  My hand…

Stop It!

Since we lost our daughter, I have had a knot in my stomach.  It’s always there.  Sometimes it tightens up.  Sometimes it relaxes a bit.  Sometimes it makes me feel like I am going to barf.   Sometimes I know why it tightens or makes me sick, sometimes I don’t.  But I always know it is there.…

A Chronicle

This may seem completely obvious to everyone else, but it has only just become clear to me.  This blog has chronicled my experience becoming and being a mother, through IVF, the gift of twins, and the horror of child loss. It started as a way for me to get rid of all the pent-up residual…

That’s Not Me

Not too long ago, a very good friend reminded me of the song Thank U by Alanis Morrisette.  Since I was lightyears away from gratitude, I was almost irritated at the thought of the song.  I can’t be thankful.  My daughter is gone.  The same friend later reminded me of another, much angrier and more…