It’s Getting Harder

Sometimes, she almost feels like a dream, like I imagined her, but she was real.  She was here.  She lived.  It has been just over a year since we lost her.  As the one-year mark approached, I felt that something was coming.  I knew something would be different.  I didn’t know what.  The fear of…

Proverbs

  I know how to fish. I have been fishing for a long time and all by myself too. I just can’t fish right now. There are obstacles and challenges in my life that do not allow me to fish. I fully understand what it means to fish, why it’s a good thing to fish,…

I Know It’s Not The Same

A year ago, my baby girl, my Bug passed away.  The pain of the loss is so raw, so incomprehensible.  Time will do nothing to change that.  The forever impact of losing her is obvious to everyone.  Things are not the same.  The world is not the same.  I am not the same.  Everything is…

Choices and Shoulds

Apparently there is a formula for being a good parent.  There are things you must do with your children or else their future will be robbed of memories.  There are experiences you must create for your child or else you risk their entire well-being.  There are places you must go because it’s just the way…

I Don’t Know What

You can’t count on me.  I’m too lost to be in control.  I’m too confused to see the obvious.  I’m too overwhelmed to think about tomorrow.  Everything depends on the moment; my mood, my energy, my pain, my strength, my will, my fear, my focus, all variables changing like the wind.  As life and memory…

Out of Focus

We are inside the twenty-one days now.  Each day I come closer to it, to the anniversary of the day we lost her.  Right now, I can still say a year ago and she is in that memory, she is part of that picture.  In a few more weeks, I will never be able to…