Like It’s Happening Again

As the first anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches, I can see it getting darker.  The fog is coming in.  I feel lost.  I’m confused and angry.  I hurt deep inside.  I can’t focus.  I feel like I am being ripped apart.  I’m scared. On October 26th, the countdown will start.  That’s the day the…

What It Feels Like Right Now

I’m sitting at my computer, late at night, in an attempt to distract myself to tiredness.  It doesn’t work.  As the image changes on my desktop, I see a picture of my little Bug.  The picture I am looking at unintentionally captured the moment when I knew something was wrong.  It was the last day…

No Expectations

No expectations means that whatever it is, it’s wide open.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do anything.  It doesn’t t mean I want to do everything.  It means I am open and listening to what I need to do.  I wake up and decide.  It does not mean making plans.  Plans are expectations. …

I Want To Snap

My nerves are on the brink of cracking.  I wish they would crack already, so I can be done with it.  The stress and anxiety of wondering whether or not I am going crazy is exhausting.  Fucking snap or not!!!  This fucking middle ground is intolerable. The comfort of a padded room. My choices, my…

I Can’t Write

I have been trying for days and I can’t write.  This blog has been an outlet, sometimes the only outlet, for me to get the painful screaming thoughts out of my head, if even for a moment.  I only write when I need to.  When I feel that the pain, grief, doubt, despair, fear is…