Not too long ago, a very good friend reminded me of the song Thank U by Alanis Morrisette. Since I was lightyears away from gratitude, I was almost irritated at the thought of the song. I can’t be thankful. My daughter is gone. The same friend later reminded me of another, much angrier and more frustated tune by the same artist, and I agreed that it better matched my temperment, especially the following portion of the song:
And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance, ah
Do I wear you out?
You must wonder why I’m relentless and all strung out
I’m consumed by the chill of solitary
I’m like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I’m frustrated by your apathy
That was me. Angry, scared, fragile, tortured, and suffering. Every day. It was such a painful way to live. I had no hope. I had no path out of my darkness. Then, as I have recently explained, something happened, but nothing happened. I’m not in the darkness anymore. Now, that’s not me. I am not angry. I am not suffering. I am not tortured. The love I feel is stronger than anything else. Now, this song speaks to me. I can feel gratitude. Thank you to my dear friend for reminding me.