In the months that followed my daughter’s death, I was blind and deaf to everything but my pain. My body functioned and I survived each day one breath at a time. I could not imagine how I would be able to live the rest of my life carrying this pain, living in a world withouth my sweet Bug.
Now I can see and feel the love that my daughter brought into my life with amazing clarity and fierce joy. This body and soul of mine that, a very short while ago, was drained of all it’s humanity has found it again. I found it in my daughter. Bug forced me to open my eyes. She created an opening for love inside me. Once I felt that opening, the love poured through it and just took over. I don’t feel like I chose it. It just happened. Love is now the loudest thing in my mind. I can’t explain how this change occured and not because it’s a secret. I don’t know exactly how happened, but I know what happened.
A few weeks ago, I went to a weekend seminar, workshop, self-improvement course, whatever you want to call it. What it turned out to be (though they don’t want to call it this) is large group Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). How do I know this? Because in the days following this seminar, my husband was Googling like crazy, researching what I had experienced in order to try and understand what had happened to his wife. I was gone for three days. When I came back I was different, in a very good way. The experience I had was profound. The effect on me feels permanant and seems obvious to everyone else. They can see it. They can see the peace I feel inside.
The weekend was three days of conversation. It was three days of seeing myself and my world with open eyes. It was three days of really learning about myself. To try and explain it would be like trying to tell you about a wonderful dream I had. No matter what I say, you won’t feel it. I walked into that weekend skeptical and absolutely certain that no matter what, I would be spending the rest of my life pretending I was wasn’t dying from depair. I don’t know how, but I don’t feel like that anymore. Right now, I feel like I can truly love both of my girls without pretending anything, and the smile on my face is genuine. It feels like a miracle.