My girls were born on a Sunday evening in mid-September 2015. That moment changed the world. I was given the gift of Beauty and Magic. I held them in my arms. I felt them with my heart. Those two sweet baby girls, my Bug and Elbow, brought this gift to me and I carried Beauty and Magic in my heart every day from then on.
With each passing day, the Beauty and Magic seemed to grow and find its way into every aspect of life itself. It was spreading and getting sronger. In the presence of Beauty and Magic there is joy and happiness. You can’t help but expereience it. It penetrates every cell. It’s electric. It’s powerful. I had this every day and I knew it. I was aware of the gift. I was grateful. I was blessed.
In mid-November of 2016 one of my girls, my little Bug, died suddenly. That moment changed the world. I lost my daughter. I lost myself. I lost my family. I lost Beauty and Magic. In one moment, it was all taken from me, ripped from my body, stolen from my soul. I was broken. I was shattered. I was blind. I couldn’t see life. All I could see was what I lost. All that was clear was what had been. Terror dominated my world. Doubt and fear ruled my mind. Pain and suffering dwelled in every inch of my body. Then something happened, but nothing happened. Just as I can not explain what it feels like to lose a child, I cannot explain to you now what this feels like other than to say, I have my baby back.
For months, every time I would look at a picture of Bug I would cry out in pain. The sound of her voice, the memory of her touch, the laughter of her twin sister would pain me. The memory of my daughter was now something that hurt. I hated it. I hated that I lost even the memory of her. But once again, the world has changed. I have come to realize that the Beauty and Magic my daughters brought into my life on that September evening never left and it never can leave. It is still with me, penetrating all aspects of the world. I just couldn’t see it for a while and I don’t fully understand why I see it now. But I do know that now, when I look at pictures of my daughter I remember the moment the picture was taken with a smile on my face and in my heart. I hear her voice in my head and it is a song. I think of holding her in my arms and it is a comfort that spreads warmth through my body. I have my baby back. I lost her, but I didn’t lose everything.
As a grieving mother this feeling is very strange and very powerful. I will forever carry with me the loss of my daughter, but I will also carry with me her life, her love, her light, and all the Beauty and Magic she gave me. That can not be undone. I still miss her, but I understand and cherish how much of her I will always have.