As I have mentioned before, I have no memory. From the moment my daughter died, up to and including this moment, my short term memory is shit. PTSD. I will forget twice in the same day what day it is. I forget … I forget … I forget everything, except the loss of my daughter. It exists within every inch of my being.
My daughter and her absence are always with me. They are always in front of me. They are always happening. Carrying around this pain, agony, despair, fear, regret, anxiety, sorrow is exhausting. I can not choose to put it down. It is me.
Even in my forgetfulness, I have moments of clarity, moments where dots will connect or meaning is understood. The problem is, unless I wrote it down, whatever I realized or understood, after a few days it is gone, at least until I realize it again. It is very frustrating. So here I am, sitting here in a moment of clarity and I am writing it down.
There are so many people in my life supporting me. Grief and trauma are nearly impossible to live with. When I start to drown a bit, I always feel so alone. It’s so isolating. I feel like a taboo, something no one wants to talk about or be faced with. But the truth is, I would not still be here if not for the help of the people in my life who are keeping me afloat. Though I often get lost in my grief, I keep remembering all of you. All I can say is thank you for everything. It all comes from love and I know it.