It’s Too Much

Just over six months ago, my little girl was gone forever.  And still, every time I see her picture, hear a recording of her voice and laughter, see a video of her figuring out how her body works, the same thoughts always run through my head in an almost malicious and certainly painful way.  How can my baby really be gone?  How can any of this be real?  How can it be true that she will never grow up to be anything she could have been?

It’s been months since she passed and the finality of losing her still feels so unreal.  I want so much for her to come back to me that I am willing to accept any fantasy that would make it so.  This ache in my heart grows stronger every day.  The pain of losing her intensifies as they days pass.  I still don’t know how I will survive this.  I don’t how anyone survives this.

My sweet baby girl deserved everything.  And that’s exactly what she lost, and we lost it with her.  This is why a hand print left on a window is precious, a book with teeth marks at the corners is a relic, and a crib once warmed by my little baby is a shrine.  Though all of that proves she was her, she was real, none of it soothes the anguish of losing her.

What can anyone do with all this pain?  I just want my baby back.  How do I live a life knowing that will never happen?  It all just hurts too much.