Dear Bug,

Hello my sweet angel.   I took a drive today.  It was a nice day and I was out in the country.   I pulled over next to a lake and just sat and listened.  I heard the birds.  They were singing and squawking in the surrounding trees.  It was quiet and peaceful.   The birds, any bird makes me think of you, makes me feel like you are close, makes me yearn for my little Bug.

Oh my sweet baby girl, how am I supposed to live my life without you?  I know I am doing it, but I don’t know how I can keep this up.  I can’t remember anything because my brain is too busy hurting.  I can’t plan anything because PTSD messed me up.  I can’t fix anything, because no matter what I do, you are still gone.  You have to help me baby.  You have to help mama.  I can’t do this without you.

Every day that you are gone is harder than the one before, and yet I find myself dreaming of you just reappearing one day.  I cling to that as a possible hope, knowing full-well it will not happen.  But I want it to, so badly.  I’m your mama.  How can it be true that I will never hold you again?  My mind, body, and soul are broken and somehow I am still here.  How?  How am I not dead?  How did losing you not kill me?  How is living without you not destroying me?  I pretend all the time that I am not a crumpled chunk of matter somewhat resembling a human.  It’s so hard.  You can still make me smile, and laugh, and feel joy, but baby girl, the pain is overwhelming me.  How can we do this without you?

You are always on my mind and in my heart.  What I try to hold on to is that I know you love me.  And I know you know I love you.  That’s all I have.  Can you hear me baby, when mama talks to you?

I love you.  I will carry you in my heart forever and I am always listening.

Love, Mama



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