From Now On

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I have always known it, but it has become very clear to me that I often put myself in the role of peacemaker.  When things are askew, with a friend, with family, at work, I find 84490956-56a793b75f9b58b7d0ebd948myself first thinking, then doing whatever needs to be done to put things back in order.  That could be offering a hug, apologizing for something I didn’t do, apologizing for something I did that was not wrong but still made someone mad.  This has been my Modus Operandi since I can cognitively remember conflict in my life.

I have often put my feelings, needs, preferences aside out of consideration for others. download Who hasn’t done that from time to time?  What I am now realizing is a firm conclusion is that I can no longer do this.  I’m going to be honest.  This decision is going to piss a lot of people off, whether they realize it now or not.  I am the mother of two, with only one daughter to hold in my arms.  I have said it before and I will say it for eternity.  No one understands this.  And God bless them.  I wish this on no one.

My sweet Bug has been gone for over 5 months.  The concept that she will just magically appear one day and take away all this pain and suffering is a fantasy that I pray every 9d7bd35816ce70d143a68c3acb6adde4day could become reality.  But it won’t.  My baby is gone. My baby.  Fourteen months is all we got.  She is gone.  Forever.  Every day we have to live with her loss.  I have one of my twins in my arms and one in an urn.  That’s my reality.

How did we get here?  My husband and I are constantly asking this question as tears roll down our cheeks.  We are here.  That’s the only answer.  So now what?

Well, hard+thingshere is the conclusion I have come to.  We are going to do whatever is right for our family.  I am done considering what others might need, or think, or feel.  I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t know what we are going to do, but I can tell you that whatever it is, it will be based on what ever is best for me, my husband, and our little Elbow.

 

As for the naysayers out there, if you have an opinion about the choices we make, shut the fuck up.  I love you for caring, but keep your opinion to yourself.  You don’t understand
where we are or what we need.  You can have all the opinions you want about what might be best for my family, but I don’t give a shit.  You don’t know what it is like to live in this world of pain, so how can you possibly give me advice on how to survive it.

P.S.  I love everyone who is in my survival toolbox.  You know who you are.  I can not thank you enough for the support, open hearts and minds, and the reminders you give me just to let me know we are in your hearts and thoughts.  You might not understand how the small gestures or continued support has literally given us the ability to keep going.  This is impossible, but you all are truly helping us survive.    

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