Devastated is a word people use a lot, like hilarious or amazing. We fling these words around to describe mediocre experiences. But when one is truly devastated, when one is truly ripped apart by anything, the word, devastated, that has been used so easily before is truly understood.
I am watching my husband fall apart. I see his pain, his anger, his wrath, his frustration, his desperation. I can do nothing. We are alone. And I do not mean he and I are alone. He is alone. I am alone. This might seem strange to anyone who has not experienced the loss of a child. She was our girl, our beautiful Bug. So smart, and sweet, and eager to smile and laugh. She loved to be silly and she loved to snuggle. The sight of Mama made her smile. The sound of Daddy’s key in the door made her little hands clap together.
He suffers her loss, as do I, but we are two broken people. I can not help him. He can not help me. That realization alone is heartbreaking. The pain of her loss does not heal with time. The reality of her absence is more apparent and painful as the days move on. And the one person who is in this with me, who understands this pain, who I love, is suffering. We try to be strong for each other, but we are both broken inside. I can not hold him up and he can not hold me.
The situation is impossible. He looks at me and sees me going to work each morning and thinks I am holding it together. I even have my husband fooled. I go to work to avoid my pain. I go to work to avoid my house, my family, my thoughts. I am not holding it together. I am pretending.
He is in pieces. He is accepting that. But with that acceptance comes the fear. What will our future be? The bills, the mortgage, and all the other bullshit you work so hard to acquire in your life is still there, but it all means nothing to us now. Our universe was destroyed on November 16th. I could happily watch it all burn to the ground to be freed of the burden. But after the satisfaction of that total destruction, where would we be? We have a daughter to raise, Bug’s twin sister.
How do you do what needs to be done when you are completely shattered? I pretend to be a human every day. Some see past my costume, when I let them, but most think I am holding it together well, because that is what I show them.
This is impossible.