My Needs?

I am exhausted.  My pain, my grief, my despair takes so much of me.  Just feeling it is more than I can bear.  But there’s more than just my pain that overwhelms me.  I also watch my husband suffer and try my best to support him, but I can only do so much.  He is…

From Now On

I have always known it, but it has become very clear to me that I often put myself in the role of peacemaker.  When things are askew, with a friend, with family, at work, I find myself first thinking, then doing whatever needs to be done to put things back in order.  That could be…

As Good As It Gets

I wake up to the sound of Elbow talking to herself in her crib.  I cry as I remember that it used to be Bug and Elbow talking to each other.  But once the tears roll from my eyes and I reel in the sobs, I smile at the sound of Elbow’s sweet voice.  I…

Holding it Together

Devastated is a word people use a lot, like hilarious or amazing.  We fling these words around to describe mediocre experiences.  But when one is truly devastated, when one is truly ripped apart by anything, the word, devastated, that has been used so easily before is truly understood.   I am watching my husband fall…

For Your Own Good

On January 18th, I wrote a post titled, ““This is No Time to be Selfish”.  The post explained that often parents who are grieving the loss of a child feel pressure to be unselfish.  They feel the need to be concerned and try to help with the pain and needs of others, sometimes considering those needs…

It’s More Than That

On November 16, 2016, at 9:30 pm, after thirteen hours of neurosurgery, I lost my baby girl.  She was alive for only fourteen months and three days.  When we lost her, we lost so much. We lost her. We lost our family.  We began from the start as a family of four.  That’s gone now. We…