As I drove to work this morning, I caught myself looking forward to the distraction.  Distraction.  The word echoed through my head.  That’s what I do.  That is my life now.  Distraction.  I color, a lot.  I play a stupid game on my phone.  I bought binoculars and a book so I can start birding.  I go to work.  All distractions.  These are all things that take my mind, if even for the briefest of moments, away from my pain.  For a time, my mind is not swimming in sorrow and despair.  il_340x270.711996048_nx95

The reason for the unimaginable pain, unbelievable sorrow, and indescribable despair is that my little baby girl is dead.  Even now, as I look back on the word I just typed I can’t believe it.  Every day, I can’t believe it, but every day it is true, and it will be true every day for the rest of my life.  The rest of my life.  Every morning I will wake up and she will be dead.  Dead.  Every day for the rest of my life, I will be seeking distraction to protect me, to shield me from my pain.  So, what’s the point?  Living a life just to avoid your life?  What’s the point?

I know the answer.  Elbow.  I gave birth to twins, Bug and Elbow.  Bug is gone, but Elbow is still here.  She’s not a distraction.  She is the only reason.  With all the strength I have, I hold on to that.  download


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