As I drove to work this morning, I caught myself looking forward to the distraction. Distraction. The word echoed through my head. That’s what I do. That is my life now. Distraction. I color, a lot. I play a stupid game on my phone. I bought binoculars and a book so I can start birding. I go to work. All distractions. These are all things that take my mind, if even for the briefest of moments, away from my pain. For a time, my mind is not swimming in sorrow and despair.
The reason for the unimaginable pain, unbelievable sorrow, and indescribable despair is that my little baby girl is dead. Even now, as I look back on the word I just typed I can’t believe it. Every day, I can’t believe it, but every day it is true, and it will be true every day for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. Every morning I will wake up and she will be dead. Dead. Every day for the rest of my life, I will be seeking distraction to protect me, to shield me from my pain. So, what’s the point? Living a life just to avoid your life? What’s the point?
I know the answer. Elbow. I gave birth to twins, Bug and Elbow. Bug is gone, but Elbow is still here. She’s not a distraction. She is the only reason. With all the strength I have, I hold on to that.