Everything Hurts

I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. I feel confused. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am going crazy.   I feel like I have enough wrath inside me that if I let it out, it would destroy the world. I feel guilty for…

Another Loss

I lost my daughter, my baby girl. Now I am a symbol for loss, for sadness, for death, for every parent’s worst nightmare. Some people in my life are pulling away from me. Some people I thought I would always be able to count on for anything are simply not there. And I get it.…

What’s Tomorrow?

Every day is difficult.  Every day my husband and I struggle to get through it.  Every day we feel more and more isolated as our new reality sets in.  The fog comes and goes, but the moments of clarity are frightening and bleak.  The fog is comforting, but so confusing.  The clarity is painful and so…

A Life?

How do we have a life without her?  I am not questioning my ability to breathe in and out, to interact with humans, or to function at work.   I am not asking how do we live without her.  I am alive.  My husband is alive.  One of my twin daughters is alive.  We function.…

Distraction.

As I drove to work this morning, I caught myself looking forward to the distraction.  Distraction.  The word echoed through my head.  That’s what I do.  That is my life now.  Distraction.  I color, a lot.  I play a stupid game on my phone.  I bought binoculars and a book so I can start birding.  I…

You can’t hold your breath forever.

It’s Friday.  My husband and I are both home from work.  We are playing with Elbow.  She’s so sweet.  She’s learning so much. She’s so much fun.  We are exhausted, but we play.  We do silly dances.  We read stories.  We go outside and look at birds and flowers and planes and cars.  Each moment…