I feel the shell of denial and shock around me is beginning to crack. The fog that I have been in for months is just starting to lift. The sorrow and the grief are getting heavier. Everything is becoming more real. I’m starting to worry that I won’t survive this, because I can’t see how anyone can. We are supposed to be reading parenting books, not “you’re baby just died” books!!
The painful and paralyzing truth is she is not coming back. I was seated at my kitchen table, coloring in my don’t-lose-your-mind coloring book and this thought came to my mind, she is not coming back. I began to cry. The thought went through my mind again, she is not coming back. I began to sob and the ever-present pain in my chest became more intense. The thought continued to float through my mind, in an almost malicious way. Each time it did, I would lose myself to the sorrow more and more. Bug has been gone for two months. Only now has the idea that my baby girl is not coming back really begun to torture me.
The pain of this new realty is too much. I realize now that I am just at the beginning of a truly painful and difficult journey. This grief, the pain, this loss will never leave me. I realize now all that my mind and body have done to protect me from this horror, because now the real agony is showing itself. This terrifies me. I know where I have been; pain, agony, and heartache beyond what I thought possible. I can see where I am; pain, agony, and heartache beyond what I thought possible, and horrifying revelations of my new reality. What lies ahead, I am yet to see, but I am scared of it.