The Place Between

day-31-825x1024Growing up I saw my life. I didn’t know how it would all work out.  I am not a fortune teller, but I could see possibilities and plans for where I wanted it to go.  Ivan, my husband, didn’t.  He let life just happen to him.  This was not due to a lack of ambition, but rather making lemonade from lemons.  Letting life just happen, he says, brought him me and the girls. Fate smiled upon him.  When we got the girls he said it felt like we were finally there.  We finally arrived.  We were finally at the place where you just…live!

He was right.  Everything that had come before our girls had purpose, because it lead us to that moment, the place where we could just live.  We had our family.  We had our two little girls.  Both of us now saw our lives, our hopes, our dreams and plans for the future.  We were supposed to struggle as hard as we did to have children because we were supposed to have twins, Bug and Elbow, and that was the only way it would happen.  So we lived.

Ivan and I cherished each moment with our girls.  We love being parents.  We loved being parents of twins.  It is an amazing experience.  Watching our two girls growing together, learning together, laughing together as more than sisters, as twins.  Sitting on the floor with babies crawling all over us, my husband and I could look at each other and just know in our hearts, we were home.

Fourteen months after our life, our family began it was changed forever.  Bug was taken from us.  Now what?  We had finally made it, our dreams had come true, and then just like that, part of us was gone forever.  Now what?  We still have Elbow.  And we love that little girl.  We still cherish each moment we have with her, we still know how lucky we are to have her, but at the same time we are crushed by the never-ending grief we feel for Bug.  I suppose this is our new place to live, the place between joy and grief, forever swinging between the two.  I have no idea how to live here.

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