GRRRRRRRR!

red bombI am angry that my daughter is dead.  My 14-month-old baby girl is dead.  It has almost been two months since I last saw her big blue eyes looking back into mine, held her, heard her call me Mama.  She’s gone and I am fucking pissed about it.  Fourteen months?!?  That’s all I get?!?  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  My daughter bumped her head and 21 days after that she is dead?!?  This baby never had a cold or even a fever, but 398 days was all she had.

She couldn’t even walk yet!!!  She was about to start and she looked so proud when we would clap and cheer as she stood there ready to take a step.  Her blue eyes flashing and her smile wide, one step, and another, and then an expertly executed flop on her bum.  That’s how close she was.  That’s as close as she got, because my baby is gone.

What do you do when you are so angry that at times you can’t see straight?  What do you do when you are so angry that you feel it in your body?  What do you do when you have nowhere to put all this anger?  What happened to my family is fucking unfair.  I gave birth to twins and I lost one.  I lost one after only 14 months of being amazed at how she grew, how she learned, and at the personality that showed itself so early.  I feel cheated.  But who cheated me?  Where can I point the blame?  At what person, place, or thing can I direct my wrath?  I don’t know, but that doesn’t stop the anger from growing and tearing me apart inside everyday.

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