Kidding Ourselves

daisy-reducedGrief and I are going to be together for a long time.  We have already spent some very intense one-on-one time together.  I know I am not the only one who knows Grief.  I see the ripples created when Grief appears.  They are far reaching.  But just as with water, the ripples become less violent, more timid as they reach.  The center of Grief, the inception of Grief is always where it is strongest.

When first we met, Grief would make me close my eyes as often as I could.  Grief made me blind.  Grief made me deaf.  Grief made me sure all was lost.  Grief made me afraid of things that were never fearful before, like friends, family, ringing phones, and familiar places.  Grief took over every part of me.  My heart, my soul, my mind, my body became the sovereign empire of Grief.  I bent to it’s will.  I had no choice.

Many believe that time heals all wounds.  I can tell you, that not only will the wounds inflicted upon me by Grief never heal, they will become deeper and intensify with pain as time goes by.  None but those who have seen this particular side of Grief will truly know what I mean.  Each day Grief brings me a new revelation.  Grief shows me something I had not noticed before.  Grief delivers a sharp pain, that I never anticipate and that have never felt before.  Grief has made it perfectly clear that it is here to stay and just getting started.

I can see how this concept would be difficult to understand to an outsider, anyone who is not in the shittiest club there is, Grieving Parents.   No matter how many words I use or ways I phrase them, nothing will ever capture this reality.  Living Nightmare?  Too timid.  Total Shitstorm?  Too finite.  Endless pain and suffering? Getting warmer.

My sweet little girl, my angel, my Bug has been gone 52 days.  Each day is a little worse.  I am not swimming in Grief.  I am not wallowing in Grief.  I am not refusing to let go.  This is just how it is.  Grief and I will never part.  Grief will work its way into parts of my life that I cannot foresee.

So when I smile, when I hear my husband laugh, when we giggle, or dance, or play peek-a-boo, or sing songs with Elbow, are we faking it?  Are we kidding ourselves?  Will the rest of our lives be a series of things that just distract us from the presence of Grief?

And just to be clear, Grief is a fucking asshole.

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