I’m Scared.

I feel the shell of denial and shock around me is beginning to crack.  The fog that I have been in for months is just starting to lift.  The sorrow and the grief are getting heavier.  Everything is becoming more real.  I’m starting to worry that I won’t survive this, because I can’t see how…

They say losing your mind is normal.

How does a baby go from happy and healthy to gone in just 21 days? How am I even able to breathe? How can I be the mother I should be? How is it possible that I will never hold Bug again? How can this be real? How does someone that beautiful just disappear so quickly?…

The Place Between

Growing up I saw my life. I didn’t know how it would all work out.  I am not a fortune teller, but I could see possibilities and plans for where I wanted it to go.  Ivan, my husband, didn’t.  He let life just happen to him.  This was not due to a lack of ambition,…

This is no time to be selfish.

My husband recently read a book about coping with grief, given to us by my father.  My dad said that it helped him and hoped it could help us in some way.  It was very thoughtful of him. I am not ready to read about other people’s experiences with losing a child.  I barely have…

Dear Dr. _________

The following is a letter that I wrote and mailed to the doctor who performed Bug’s surgery.  It was painful to write.  It is painful to read.  It was painful to mail.  I am terrified of the response and hoping for a slow process, but I had to do it.  I couldn’t avoid it any longer.…

GRRRRRRRR!

I am angry that my daughter is dead.  My 14-month-old baby girl is dead.  It has almost been two months since I last saw her big blue eyes looking back into mine, held her, heard her call me Mama.  She’s gone and I am fucking pissed about it.  Fourteen months?!?  That’s all I get?!?  Are…