I Want To Snap

My nerves are on the brink of cracking.  I wish they would crack already, so I can be done with it.  The stress and anxiety of wondering whether or not I am going crazy is exhausting.  Fucking snap or not!!!  This fucking middle ground is intolerable. The comfort of a padded room. My choices, my…

I Can’t Write

I have been trying for days and I can’t write.  This blog has been an outlet, sometimes the only outlet, for me to get the painful screaming thoughts out of my head, if even for a moment.  I only write when I need to.  When I feel that the pain, grief, doubt, despair, fear is…

No Matter What

It doesn’t matter what I think, what I say, what I do, what I hope, what I fear, what I dream, what I try, what I wish, what I practice, what I avoid, what I fake, she is still gone.  No matter how you look at the story, it still has the chapter where my…

More Than I Can Chew

I am a teacher, but I can no longer teach.  When I lost my daughter, I lost the part of myself that made me a good teacher.  I lost a part of my heart.  I abandoned my classroom without a plan for what would come next.  I just knew that I couldn’t do it anymore.…

She Was Here

A year ago, she was still here.  Nothing had happened yet.  We were just happy.  We were excited about the girls’ birthday.  We didn’t know what was coming.  Did I take it all for granted?  A year ago, there was no way to know that a little more than two months from where we were,…

Pulled Apart

I feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together.  I am overwhelmed, scared, tired, heartbroken, angry, confused, anxious, and feeling weaker every day.  I try so hard to quiet my mind, but it screams.  I try to think of what I can do, but there is nothing to do but what I…

Present

The past is fixed, unchangeable.  The future does not exist.  All there is, is right now.  That is reality.  Our minds so often live in the past or the future; the human condition and a waste of time and energy.  You can’t change the past.   You can’t predict or control the future.  The moment…