I Don’t Know What

You can’t count on me.  I’m too lost to be in control.  I’m too confused to see the obvious.  I’m too overwhelmed to think about tomorrow.  Everything depends on the moment; my mood, my energy, my pain, my strength, my will, my fear, my focus, all variables changing like the wind.  As life and memory…

Out of Focus

We are inside the twenty-one days now.  Each day I come closer to it, to the anniversary of the day we lost her.  Right now, I can still say a year ago and she is in that memory, she is part of that picture.  In a few more weeks, I will never be able to…

Surrender

I can’t do this.  It floats through my mind like a cloud, like a wish.  I don’t know how to live a life without my sweet little Bug.  Living without her is more pain than I can take.  It rips my hearts to shreds.  It makes me feel worthless, hopeless, lost.  It forces me to be robotic, distracted…

Like It’s Happening Again

As the first anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches, I can see it getting darker.  The fog is coming in.  I feel lost.  I’m confused and angry.  I hurt deep inside.  I can’t focus.  I feel like I am being ripped apart.  I’m scared. On October 26th, the countdown will start.  That’s the day the…

What It Feels Like Right Now

I’m sitting at my computer, late at night, in an attempt to distract myself to tiredness.  It doesn’t work.  As the image changes on my desktop, I see a picture of my little Bug.  The picture I am looking at unintentionally captured the moment when I knew something was wrong.  It was the last day…