Why Would I Want to Hear That?

There are things I don’t want to see and I don’t want to talk about.   I don’t want to see blood.  I don’t want to see the inside of a hospital.  I don’t want to see images of surgery.  These things make me cringe, feel faint, or panic. I don’t want to talk about…

Her Stuff

Once you have a baby, you all of a sudden have stuff everywhere.  When you have twins, you all of a sudden have a lot of stuff everywhere.  We don’t have two of everything, but we do have two of a lot of things.  When you have two little ones, some of those things I…

Not Just Now

It’s not like an ocean.  It’s like a jungle.  And you have to rip and tear and claw your way through, to even move an inch.  To keep going takes strength that you know you don’t possess.  There is no clear path ahead.  You have to rip and tear and claw your way blindly in…

Thank You for Saying That

My therapist is unavilable.  I don’t want to see anyone else.  My shit it too fucked up to try and effectively start over with someone else.  But I am feeling stretched to the breaking point.  I am right back to the point of one-breath-at-a-time.  That is all I can do.  I am watching with amazement…

So I Will

I could cry until my eyes turn to dust.   I could scream until my voice turns to fire.   I could beat my fists against the wall until they bleed.   None of it would change anything.   My daughter would still be dead.   I could ache over how unfair this is for…

It’s Not Enough

It’s not enough to say I miss her.  It’s not enough to say my heart is broken.  It’s not enough to say I’m sad.  Some days it is almost impossible to put one foot in front of the other.  Some days it is hard to take my next breath.  Some days the ache inside me…