Like an Ocean

I cannot explain enough how I much I didn’t understand about grief until I lost my daughter.  I thought I understood it.  I knew the definition.  I could use the word in a sentence.  I could spell it correctly and identify the part of speech.  Before she died, grief was the sound of Charlie Brown’s…

Don’t Ask Me Why

I’m a birder.  A complete novice amateur, but I am birding, so therefore I am a birder.  Apparently it is not called bird watching.  It is called birding, like fishing or hunting, but nicer.  To be a birder, you basically need just a few things: functioning eyeballs, binoculars, a book or other resource to aid…

It’s Too Much

Just over six months ago, my little girl was gone forever.  And still, every time I see her picture, hear a recording of her voice and laughter, see a video of her figuring out how her body works, the same thoughts always run through my head in an almost malicious and certainly painful way.  How…

I Failed Her.

I failed her. I didn’t know what to do. I am her mother.  I’m supposed to protect her. I was in shock. I could have made a choice that might have made a difference. It all happened so fast.  I didn’t do enough of my own research. I trusted them.  I didn’t ask enough questions.…

Dear Bug,

Hello my sweet angel.   I took a drive today.  It was a nice day and I was out in the country.   I pulled over next to a lake and just sat and listened.  I heard the birds.  They were singing and squawking in the surrounding trees.  It was quiet and peaceful.   The birds, any…

Where Is My Mind?

My memory is really getting crappy.  I feel like Memento sometimes.  Long-term memory seems fine, but day-to-day, hour-to-hour, even minute-to-minute it is impossible to keep my head straight.  My mind just doesn’t work right.  With PTSD it’s not uncommon, but not my favorite.  It’s confusing, it can be frustrating, and it’s annoying.  I am learning…